Brats Blog

Friday, March 24, 2006

Claire versus Ogden Avenue - Confessions of a VERY angry driver

Each day is a test.
A test of my patience!!!!
You see I have a never-ending quest to avoid the black pit of despair that is Ogden Avenue.... There is a point on Ogden (Ogden and Aurora Avenue) that I lovingly refer to as "The Clusterf@#$ of Stupidity". If I am forced to drive on that corner, it is an absolute guarantee that I will NOT arrive at my destination a happy camper. Something about Ogden causes people to forget how to drive. In fact I will go miles out of my way just to avoid it - but if you people would only follow these simple instructions I wouldn't have to.

This is the way I want driving to be...
If you are out for a pleasure cruise, or are running some errands or going someplace that you don't really have to go - don't go out during any of the rush hours. Don't do it. No really, don't. You may come out on Sundays only in fact. The rest of the week give your car to someone who deserves it. Don't stop to get gas, don't wave to your neighbor, don't take that turn at a speed that is considered "cautious". I want focused drivers only during this time. If you are a lazy accelerator, you are also not allowed out during rush hours. Stay home. Put in some extra hours at work. Take up a new hobby! from 5 am to 9 am and again from 3:30 pm until 7:30 pm you are not to be on the roads. In fact, you could use a walk, but only up and down the hallway of your house - not at any place where traffic could be slowed waiting for you to cross the street.

Waiting at the red light -
Drivers I want you tapping the steering wheel - don't even glance at the radio - buy yourself an iPod and make a playlist that is only for rush hour driving. FOCUS. Rev that engine. Snort and stamp like racehorses if you want but don't lose focus. I want it to be like the goddamned indy 500, each of us fighting to get off the line first even if it only ends up that we get to the next red light faster. Now is not the time for gradual breaking either. LAST MINUTE!!! Don't break if you see a cop car - he already saw you and it's too late - and chances are, he'd fly by you anyway.

Do not think that because someone has a Beetle that they are nice or that they are ok with you driving like a crapshack. The amount of people that cut us off every day and think it is all right are precisely WHY I started being so angry. She has a beetle, she must be very fun. I AM FUN but keep your stupid SUV both off of my car's butt and you do not get to cut in front of me. NO. I can't see around you, and you must have kids to need that kind of space.... kids... oh you are running errands while they are at soccer practice... REMEMBER you don't have any business being on the road during rush hour!!! I told you that before. You run the errands while they are at school jackass, but not during off-limits.

And finally perhaps the most important point of all ---- you do not need to be on the phone. If you don't know where you are going, you don't belong out at rush hour! If you are calling to find out what to pick up for dinner - that counts as an errand and therefor is also not allowed. If there is an ax murderer in your car I'm sorry but you are a goner. If I catch you on the phone I am going to take it and run it over myself, and I will follow you home to get it from you!

Let this be a lesson to you.