Brats Blog

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Adventures in the U.S. Healthcare System


I know that it has become much better than it is in previous years, but sometimes I think that making the hospital look nice does not make up for behavior on the part of doctors and nurses. A flower vase, and some wood paneling doesn't help mirage the fact that the doctor doesn't want to be there and hell if he wants to really help you if you have no insurance. This however does not mean that just because you feel like dog poo that you can't have any fun. (HECK NO! You can have LOTS of fun in a hospital!)
I went in to the emergency room since I have been sick for a month and nothing seems to be helping me to completely recover, in fact the things that are "helping me" are making me feel worse. The steroids given to me to open up my airways actually burnt my dang stomach and caused my esophagus to have spasms where I felt like my throat was trying to escape! I arrive at the ER with my fiance John, and my mother and father meet us there. I never quite know if i'm supposed to do all the talking or let my mom do it for me, so we spent some time looking back and forth at each other in between sentence trade-offs. They took us all back and did the temp, blood pressure history jibberjabber and then took me to a room where I got to switch from my lovely warm clothing for a threadbare hospital gown that was, shall we say, BREEZY?!
Moments later we were introduced to Dennis the fantastic nurse who asked many questions and then we were interrupted by the doctor. So there I sat on that stupid table thing, leaning forward while Dennis AND the doctor listened to my lungs through stethoscopes. (Yes, both of them had a listen at the same time, one on either side of me) The doctor seemed bored and gave me some novacaine and some antacids to calm down my stomach and my throat. Then he sent me off to x-ray via Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, or so I believe. The Lab Tech bumped into every door and I don't think she understood a word I said. She did enjoy my nose ring though. I stood in a variety of peculiar positions so they could take an X-Ray of my throat and then back on to the magic carpet to return to my room, or so I thought. The Lab tech rolled me into the hall and then forgot where she was going. She went back to the lab to find out which room I was in, but neglected to lock the wheels - so when she returned, I was in a completely different spot from where I began. Many innocent doors were attacked on the way back, to say the least and I was of course mindful to keep my hands and arms inside the cart at all times.
When I arrived back in the room, I was greeted by my sister who had decided to show up to see if a tragedy had occured. To her utter disappointment I could still breathe and wasn't even drooling on myself (big girl!!!) To keep herself amused since I wasn't very exciting, she fished another gown out of the cabinet and had my father walk her up and down the halls, muttering "Daddy,it huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurts" while he pretended to steady her arm and calmly reassured her that she was going to make it!
I amused myself by watching the television for a few moments, even though I can't even tell you what was on. My mom just looked happy to have the door to the room open since my father had been amusing himself by closing the door everytime someone left it open (just to drive my mother crazy). My dad and sister returned, looking extremely suspicious. Courtney took up residence in the chair by the window, but instead of facing us, she turned around and faced out and waved at people as they passed. A few people waved back, and a confused doctor even stopped to ask what she was doing and asked her why she was wearing a hospital gown. (She offered up the great answer of "Because") Occasionally she'd sip from a juice box that I don't remember seeing before - oddly enough though my dad's coat looked a bit puffier than before. (and where did he get a ham sandwich from in the ER?)
After a time, Courtney's fiance came to visit and asked my sister why she was wearing a hospital gown, and why did it have to match mine?? Her only answer, "I can SO rock this gown" (aw crud, I didn't know there would be an "evening gown" competition)
What seemed like years later, and at least 10 juice boxes passed. the doctor returned and told me I could go home and he prescribed antacids and heartburn pills. Thank you good doctor. I am SO GLAD that I spent hours for you to help me out with your miracle cures and voodoo magick.

I still feel like crud, but I am always amused.

3 Comments:

  • At 7:33 PM, Blogger Norma Shineynickels said…

    HAHAHA!!! Voodoo magic. Expecially since he prescribed something for you that you could have gotten at Walgreens. I agree, hospitals can suck. I'm glad you got your x-rays though, even though it was via Mr. Toad's Wild Ride! Awesome post, I knew you'd be great!!!

     
  • At 4:41 AM, Blogger Bratsky said…

    AHAHAHA! Makes me glad that I went deep into the jungle to seek the highly regarded medicine man. Thank you for the juju! Thank you for to be enjoying the blog.

     
  • At 9:32 AM, Blogger Bratsky said…

    I use the word amuse way too much.

     

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